I’m not sure how I should feel right now. I know how I do feel, but I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel.
It’s about a week since we returned from the Europe trip. Zandra has been… distant, this past week. We haven’t really talked since just after we returned. I went over once to give here some of her stuff I’d gotten with me and to talk a bit, which we did. It might just be the contrast of going from being with her every day to being apart from her.
But since then there’s been nothing. I asked if I could come over once but she said she was busy. She showed interest in a concert on Facebook at one point, so I asked if she wanted to go to it with me the day before, but she said she’d changed her mind and would rather stay home.
Since then I’ve left her alone and haven’t said anything. And she hasn’t said anything either.
I hope this is what she wants right now, and that it’s only temporary. I guess people take breaks from each other sometimes. But I don’t like it. Or maybe she’s just busy catching up on things after being gone for three weeks and I’m just being stupid?
I’m worried that her opinion of me has changed during the trip for the worse. I’m worried that she might break up with me. This worry comes mostly from not knowing. I don’t know how she really feels about me…
Our main issue right now is talking. As it turns out neither of us are good at it. She’s said questions about how the relationship is going and similar makes her uncomfortable. Meanwhile I find it difficult to ask such questions to begin with.
When I went into this relationship I thought I’d be the unsure, shy and withdrawn party. But it seems that it’s the opposite.
That doesn’t mean I don’t have issues though. I’m still a shy introvert. While I’m very secure in myself and everything that only concerns me and my own things, several issues arise when others are involved in some way.
I’m fortunate enough to not suffer from depression and I know people who have worse social anxiety than myself, but I still suffer from it sometimes.
I hate calling people for personal reasons. Just calling someone to chat is something I’d never do. But if the call is for business reasons, either for me as a customer, or when I’m working and need to call one of our customers, I can do that without much issue.
I also hate doorbells. Any time I need to ring a doorbell I get incredibly uncomfortable and have to force myself to do it. Knocking is a bit easier. I think like most socially anxious people I don’t like being a bother to others. Fortunately I don’t have an issue when I know it’s someone’s job to take calls, or to handle customers. They get paid to do it, and I try to make it as smooth as possible, both for myself and them.
I hope we can talk again soon. I miss her a lot.
I love her, above all else. I’d like nothing more than to be with her forever. She’s smart, nice and beautiful. She’s a great artist as well.
I’m hers for as long as she wants me, no matter what happens.